I Am A Wreck

I am a wreck...
No, seriously I am a mess...
I am a walking talking mess of a man...
There isn't a day that goes by when I am not fully and painfully aware of this reality. In fact, more often than not, I am reminded of this truth by the people I am closest to; those who live with me on a daily basis and interact with me because they really don't have a choice. You know the type of people I am talking about; wife, kids, family, friends, fellow members of my local body. Those type of people. The kind of people that each of us has in our own little world and sphere of influence, the same kind of people that each of us is surrounded by on a daily basis. I know this probably shocks all of you to read this confession by me, but I felt it best to get it out there in the open sooner rather than later.

See, I say things and do things all of the time that I do not mean to be offensive. Things that I do not even realize at times that are hurting people I love dearly. And it isn't my mouth or my hands or my feet that get me in trouble. It is my heart.

But here is something even more revealing, I am an even bigger wreck than that. I am the kind of wreck that doesn't just do property damage; you know the kind. The kind that puts a hole in your roof. Nope, more than that, far worse really.
I am a train wreck...
I am a massive train wreck of a man...
I am a full on, stop the presses, call out the local media and take pictures of the bodies left behind kind of train wreck...

In fact I am an even bigger wreck than a train wreck...
I am catastrophe of epic proportions...
I am the collapse of a mega-building...
I mean if I am being brutally honest about myself, which I think we should all be, I am far worse than I could ever imagine on my own. Nothing drives this home to me like living in a world surrounded by the self-professed righteous and upstanding people of the world. I am seemingly surrounded by people inside the church and outside of her that have it all figured it out, and they are not afraid to make sure that I and everyone around them are aware of this. It is like living in a shadow all of the time. It might be cool on a hot day, but once you have been there in the shadow long enough you begin to crave the light and the heat of being exposed to something real and transparent.  In fact like anything in God's creation, you need the light to grow.

I just don't have it all figured it out. I don't have it in me to try and convince anyone that I do. I am a wreck. I am embrace that. And it is not done gleefully either. It is done in sorrow and brokenness. I am grieved in my heart at the damage I have done to those I care the most about. It is devastating to me to realize that I have caused irreparable harm to so many relationships that are so important to me. Not the least of which is the damage I have done to my family.

I have been doing this Christian walk thing for a bit over ten years. That is barely spit in the wind compared to most of the people I know. In fact many of the people I know who are brethren are far younger than me and having been walking with Christ for a lot longer. What I wonder is how can so many seem to have it all together? How do they get to that point? Because I struggle all of the time. Sometimes I don't even struggle, sometimes I see sin sitting at my door and I pick it up and carry it across the threshold and welcome it in. I've got nothing figured out but this one thing, I am the chief of sinners. And I will wrestle with Paul to admit this truth:

¹² I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, ¹³ though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, ¹⁴ and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. ¹⁶ But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. ¹⁷ To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever.Amen.

1 Timothy 1:12-17

This is what I am pushing at here. I just can't be perfect, I can't be everything that others seem to be. I am not capable of walking around with the facade of perfection or perfect composure that so many others seem to muster. Maybe this is my weakness and sin. No wait, not maybe, it is in reality my weakness and my sin.It is where I am. And as much as I strive every day to not be that person, I continue to fail and I need to know I am safe living that out transparently. It is this reality that drives me daily to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is this knowledge of who I am without Christ and even who I tend be with Him, that keeps me from being an even bigger arrogant and condescending jerk than I would be on my own.

This is the reality of who I am. This is the reality I live with every day. And maybe this confession will forever taint me in the eyes of so many within the Church Universal. But it is out there, and it is real, and while I regret the fact that I am all-too-often a willing accomplice in my weakness and sin. It is needful for me to be transparent in this way for the very reason that Paul gives in verse 16 above, "But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life." So I may never serve as a leader or as an example to anyone in a local body anywhere that I live, but God will work through me for His purpose of displaying to the lost people of the world what His perfect patience and forbearance look like.

So yes, I am a wreck of a man. And oh how I hate it, but because of it I never forget my God and what it is He did for such a wretch as I. A blasphemer and a persecutor and an insolent opponent. I will never forget the pit He pulled me out of according to His loving and sovereign will because I simply could never merit such love and grace...

And to those of you that I so often hurt and damage. I am so sorry, I am so very very sorry... 

Soli Deo Gloria!
Todd